The delivery room is filled with a whirlwind of different emotions. It’s a scary, overwhelming, wonderful feeling all packed into one big ball of crazy. During labor we as women are physically and emotionally raw. There isn’t any time for nonsense, and honestly, we just don’t have the patience for jokes or your quirky humor. We are exposed, in every sense of the word.
Everyone processes emotions differently, especially in stressful situations, and right now isn’t a great time to test those limits. There are all kinds of ideas (mostly from men) that giving birth is somehow equivalent to being hit in the balls. While we are sure your man area is a little sensitive, there is a HUGE difference between a smack to your area and pushing a human being through a rather small hole. It certainly doesn’t include back labor, contractions or cervical checks either. No thanks. So stay away from saying ANY of these comments while your partner has begun labor, unless you want to be murdered.
How long do you think this will take?
Longer then I’m sure ANY woman would want it to take. I’m sure everyone is wondering, but there is no need for you to voice this out loud. I don’t care what new tv series just aired on ABC, your place to be is beside your spouse. This baby will come whenever he/she is good and ready, so sit back and be there for your spouse.
I need to take pictures of this!
No, ya don’t…. Pushing a human out of your lady area isn’t really a red carpet look. The last thing most women want is a camera in their face let alone their downstairs.
You’re squeezing my hand too hard!
Oh, I’m sorry, am I hurting you? Even if we break your hand from squeezing it so hard (which isn’t very likely) there is no possible way you are in more pain then we are… So suck it up!
You’re gonna poop yourself!
We’ve all heard that scary and pretty embarrassing tale that women tend to go to the bathroom as they are pushing the baby out. Some of us care, some of us don’t, but either way – we don’t need dad reminding us of just another thing that is about to happen to our bodies.
I wonder how this compares to a kick in the balls?
It doesn’t, at all. Unless your want to die before every meeting your child, don’t act like you understand her pain.
Hey, can you add an extra stitch down there for me?
No, this is not ok. This is a completely insensitive remark that needs to be so far away from exiting your mouth. Also, you’re most likely setting yourself up for a burn from either your wife or the Dr. I mean how tiny are you that you want her to be stitched up so small.
OMG, what the hell is happening down there??
Yes, it’s a gross mess in our lady area… We are pushing a watermelon through a pinhole, what did you expect it to look like? The last thing we need is you making us feel disgusting.
Oh, are you? I’m so sorry you just had to go through such an exhausting experience. No, save your whining for someone else, you don’t know exhaustion until you are in labor for 48 hours! If you say this within arms reach of her, it’s too late for you.
Ew, why did I look?! Your vagina is ruined!
Gee, thanks. As if we don’t already have a million fears running through our heads on how ruined our body is and will be. How about you just stay up by our head… And if you must look, stay away from comments like this!
Hey, those are my boobs or Can I jump on your other boob?
No, no you cannot. These are for feeding the human I just have birth to, your jokes about someone taking your boobs from you aren’t very funny to us at this moment.
So how long do I have to wait until we can have sex again?
This should be the last thing on your mind. First, she just gave birth to a human, why is sex on your mind? More importantly look at what she just went through, putting pressure on her already to jump right in bed with you is a no go! And comments like this may make the wait even longer! Don’t even think about asking for “hands stuff”
Though many of these comments are meant to be humorous, we do hope that your father to be can take these suggestions to heart. Bringing a baby into the world is an incredible experience. We just don’t want you to ruin it with your mouth.