Alcohol has a way of transforming an event. It makes people think differently, act differently, and feel differently. When alcohol is offered at a wedding, you can not predict how your guests will react. But you can be relatively sure of one thing: alcohol will try to brainwash you with lies.
1. You can dance!
Maybe you are normally a great dancer. But everything changes once you are under the influence of alcohol. Even the worst dancers get brainwashed into thinking they are suddenly granted with miraculous dancing ability the minute alcohol enters their system.
2. You’re not drunk!
A general rule of this is that if you have to reassure yourself of your sobriety, you are probably not sober.
3. You look hot right now!
Let’s face it, after a long night of mingling, food, and dancing, you’re looking a little less than your best.
4. This story is hilarious!
Have you ever been the victim of a drunken storyteller? Yeah, not very entertaining. But the storyteller thinks it is the best story ever.
5. You need more cake!
After a appetizers, dinner, and dessert, you body has plenty of nourishment. Alcohol would like to tell you differently and have you scouring the reception for any leftover wedding cake.
6. This is the best DJ ever!
If a drunk crowd served as judges, even great-grandma June would be the best disc jockey of all time.
7. You should call your mom!
Mom, ex-girlfriend, father-in-law, you name it. There’s very few people who you should be calling after a couple drinks, and leave it to alcohol to suggest the very worst option.
8. This is the most beautiful wedding ever!
Yes, weddings are beautiful. And with a little alcoholic encouragement, you will find them even more amazing.
9. You should get married tomorrow!
Marriage is a serious decision and a forever commitment. It is a union that should not be entered into lightly. Alcohol makes you overlook those sentiments and want to dive right in.
10. The best man is cute!
The best man could be a 12-year-old boy. The best man could be a 57-year-old grandfather. It doesn’t matter. Alcohol tells you he’s cute.
11. The dance floor is a good place to nap!
Who cares that the dance floor is completely full of people? That concrete floor looks really comfortable and you are really tired!
12. A drink will make this less awkward!
Weddings are full of awkward run-ins. You’d almost be sad if you didn’t bump into your vengeful ex or your creepy neighbor or your rude uncle. Alcohol seems like the perfect solution (but it will only lead to regrets the next morning).
13. These people are your best friends!
Is it possible that you could meet a lifelong friend or a future spouse at your second-cousin-twice-removed’s wedding? Yes. Is it likely? No.
14. You should post about this great wedding!
Why embarrass yourself in front of a handful of family, friends, and strangers when you can reveal your drunkenness to all your social media followers!
15. This bartender is a great therapist!
Bartenders are accustomed to the rants made possible by alcohol. Their one to two word responses to your life-altering questions don’t necessarily count as brilliant advice.
16. You should start a discussion about politics!
There is a time and place for political discussions. An event mean to represent love and unity is not such a place.
17. Shots are the best!
Taking shots in front of your childhood pastor, best friend’s grandmother, and 5-year-old niece seems like a good decision. What could go wrong?
As always, drink responsibly. Also, be considerate of the bride and groom — don’t ruin one of the best days of their lives by passing out, throwing up, or going to the hospital. And be aware of the lies alcohol tries to tell you next time you attend a wedding!